Open Only with Failure

For All I have lost,

In the ire I have kindled following the paths I have chosen to take, I feel a need to seek justification for my actions where none should be had, Nay, I seek some where none should be deserved. Know well that I am far from the perfect being. An unfaithful wife. A spiteful daughter. A power seeking pawn. I have fallen guilt to all at one time or another, and I have done so with little regret. Yet, for all I have done to earn myself the frustrations and callous attitudes of others, I have always considered to be, above all, nothing if not a devoted and affectionate mother.

With every mistake I have made, with every pawn I have played, I have done so with only you, my children in mind. It is through this that my attempts seek a better world for you. A safe home. Kindly treatment. A level playfield. It is also through this that I have wronged you in many ways. I have deprived you of respect from our people. Faith in what you seek to believe. The freedom to act as you wish in fear of your own safety. Safety from otherworldly threats. Not just one but two fathers. And, in my greatest regret, myself as the attentive devotee I so claim to be.

So it is, in this ire I have kindled, I dared to feel a need to seek justification. Yet there is, most certainly none to be had. I did what I did as, despite being what society would see me condemned for doing, in my own eyes, it was right. It was selfish. It was desperate. It was what I needed to do, no matter what thoughts might have gone through my mind. Yes. It was what I needed to do. And in all of this, I needn’t prove such claims to any but my own flesh. Through this, I speak to you. I beg that, one day, you will find it in your heart to understand the steps I have taken. Part of me wonders why I have chosen to write this. Perhaps it is something I saw well as a cautionary tale. Perhaps it was to make me feel more righteous in my poor actions. Yet I feel nothing. Yet, as I think, I realize it is, in reality, my fear of one day never being able to tell you myself. I wish to one day be able to sit with you, tell you everything myself. Yet I know this to be a dream and only that. It is not likely I will have such opportunities.

I pray you never have to see this, but if you must, know that I cannot ask your forgiveness, but only beg your understanding. I did this only for you.

In Sincerest Regrets and Foolish Hopes,

Caecilia Valens